Thursday, July 10, 2014

The Fox

One day I was walking through the woods, trying to mind my own business, and I came across a fox with his paw caught in a trap.

It was one of those Acme Fox Traps. Impossible to get out of. Extremely painful. It was made to hold onto the fox until it died, so then it could be skinned and its pelt sold.

I immediately opened up the trap. "You're free now. And I suggest you move to the other side of the forest. There are a lot more things to eat, and no Acme Fox Traps."

The fox gave me a look, then went bounding off.

The next day I'm walking through the same woods, and I come upon the same fox, in the same Acme Fox Trap.

Once again I freed it. "It's dangerous here. I know it's probably your home, and what you're used to, but you'd really be better off on the other side of the forest where no one is trying to kill and skin you. Trust me, you'll like it. There is a ton of food there, and it's really quite nice."

The fox gave me a look, then went bounding off.

The next day I'm walking through the forest. You know what I saw. The same fox, stuck in the same Acme Trap.

I immediately went to free it, and the fox bristled and said, "Hey, asshole, I got two thousand shares of Acme stock! Quit trying to fuck with my future!"

31 comments:

Rob @ 52 Novels said...

Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringding...Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringding.

Kris Lewis said...

I'm curious. Did the fox's skin last for 70 years after its death?

w.adam mandelbaum said...

This fox spoke better English than many of the other network reporters. One might think this posting is an allegory where the tale of the tail parallels not the acme of publishing disputes, but the nadir.

liebjabberings said...

And this is why you're a storyteller.

Maybe the fox really, really wants to leave something to the offspring - those shares, not the IP.

Alicia

Tracy Sharp - Author of the Leah Ryan Series said...

The fox is also filled with gratitude that ACME tried to trap it at all. Not EVERYONE get's snagged by THEIR trap. That fox is important. Superior. Better than the other foxes ;)

Rob Gregory Browne said...

ROTFL.

Donna White Glaser said...

You fox-freeing jerk. What is WRONG with you?

daneyul said...

In defense of the fox, I'm sure he believed that, while, yeah, the other part of the woods are safer and more full of food NOW, in the future the nice ranger-lady who lives there could possibly/maybe make traps almost as bad, so it would be much smarter to just keep stepping in this one.

Anonymous said...

I usually just lurk on your blog, Joe, but god damn, you made me spill my coffee today... through my nose.

Christina Pilz said...

Only foxes caught in the ACME trap are worthy of being held up as an example of other foxes. Where would this world be if foxes couldn't be caught in ACME traps? Why, the world would go quite mad, with just "anyone" making a trap for other foxes, or worse, for themselves! There must be ACME traps, because otherwise, foxes wouldn't be able to handle it. They'd much rather be scampering about the woods than worrying about traps.

Anonymous said...

Did you ask the fox if it felt that it was morally obligated to step in the trap?

Richard Fox said...

I am both amused and rather annoyed by this blog post.

Anonymous said...

Sure, my butt hurts. I won't deny it. But I'm proud of whose bitch I am. I see you losers all eyeing my shiny collar. He told me I was pretty. He *chose* me. So suck it, indie losers.

Admiral Ackbar said...

It's a trap!

Karen Woodward said...

Now that's what I call a tall tale. ;)

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

I've been enjoying your posts, Joe. Thanks for taking on these issues.

Jude Hardin said...

The Cricket: http://judehardin.blogspot.com/

True story. I'm not exactly sure how to interpret it, but I promise that it really did happen.

Jennifer Oberth said...

Wow. This sums everything up perfectly. Now we know what the fox says...

Anonymous said...

The grapes of Kon-wrath.

Joe Konrath said...

These comments are making me chuckle.

I'm waiting for someone to say, "but in the other forest you can find 52.5% more food!"

JKBrown said...

True story. I'm not exactly sure how to interpret it, but I promise that it really did happen.

What makes you think this story didn't happen? Joe is an honest man that always speaks the truth. He never writes fiction or yanks our chains, right Joe? ...Why are you laughing at me, Joe?

Merrill Heath said...

"Now we know what the fox says..."

Thanks, Jennifer. Now I've got that silly song playing in my head.

Anonymous said...

Without ACME traps, there would be a tsunami of foxes! Then where would we be? ;)

Anon Author

Anonymous said...

Without those ACME traps we'd have to deal with a tsunami of foxes!

Anonymous said...

Haha someone else beat me to it. Lol

Randall Morris said...

I don't know why all of you are trying to make this an author analogy. This is much more important than that. Konrath just answered the question all of us have been pondering since that Ylvis music video. What does the fox say? :-P

Randall Morris said...

And crap... I just found my joke posted twice before I posted it. Never mind... :-P

Jennifer Oberth said...

You're welcome, Merrill. My niece has a million books (well, not really but she's on her way to being a reader and not even 2 years old) and one of them has the lyrics of that song and, where she asks everyone to read books to her all the time, she insists I sing her that book. Try getting it out of your head after singing it over and over and over to a child who says, "Again!" every time you're done.

I just hope that Joe's next post is fisking the fox. We haven't had a good fisking in almost a week!

Jennifer Oberth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Glynn James said...

This comment has NOT been removed by the author. It's still here, just to annoy you.

R. Q. Garcia said...

What was it that Einstein said about the definition of insanity?

I would have believed Joe's story as having really happened if he'd included that he was walking in the forest, beer in hand.

Thanks for posting this, Joe!

Mr. Bonkers said...

As we chat here, crippled foxes throughout the forest are crafting a letter warning that the ranger lady is really an evil witch -- particularly those foxes who have made a fortune with Acme stock. Fortunately, a group of fairly fat and happy -- or at least safe and not starving -- foxes from the other side of the forest, will craft their own letter. And it will say, like that old Cheech and Chong routine where a Kamikazi training pilot has one question for the instructor: YOU OUTTA YOUR FUCKING MIND!